Happy Screenwriter Day...Today's Script: "Mister X: Vigilante Days"

Downtown District - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - Night

Jack Knight and Mister X are loitering on the Downtown Philadelphia Streets

Jack

DeviantART? Sorry. Never heard of it. Are there a lot of man hating little girls there who hate actual literature by any chance?

Mister X

Not sure. Lemme check. WHOA That's a whole lotta menstruation!

Jack

Hmmm. Remind me never to go there, unless I need something to jerk off to.

Mister X

You betcha. I hear the girl that runs that website is a real flaming BITCH. Does she have a police record yet.

Jack

No, but she will. Isn't she the hacker-total-stalker type? Who likes to fabricate information to suit her neo-feminist-fetishes purpose?

Mister X

As records would indicate, yes. Yeah, let's ARGUE ONLINE summore. That's really gonna solve things.

Jack

Naturally!

At that moment, a 14 year old high school fangirl walks up to Jack and Mister X in the urban Philadelphia streets. She has a script in her hands.

14-Year-Old

Hey, I love you and your work, Jack Knight. Who are you standing next to? He's not a pervert is he. I'm a screenwriter TOO all of a sudden! I wrote a rant about the evils of rape. Wanna read it???

Jack

No.

Mister X

FUCK no. Get lost with that RAPE shit. Go see a the-rapist.

Jack and Mr. X

(High Five, follow by Beavis and Butt-Head laughter)

Mister X

(pulls beretta M1923 out from under his trenchcoat, aims it at her face)

How bout you GET THE FUCK OUT of here with that stupid "I hate everything but Bleach" shit. Thanks. Name's Mister X, by the way! Tell your friends!

14-Year Old

(Runs away quickly, sprinting and crying like someone even younger than her own age)

Mooooooommm!! Mister X pointed a Gun at me!

Jack

Girls. So sensitive, riiiight.

Mister X

I NO RITE!? EL OH EL! By the way, you're writing is terrible, Jack. Just atrocious. I could do a lot better if I weren't such a lazy Asian.

Jack

Oh is it now?

Mister X

Nah, I'm just yankin' ya dick. You're awesome. And so is my Beretta!

Jack

Mos definitely!

Mister X

Nothing beats that good old fashioned feeling of cold, hefty steel of a gun in your hand. That feeling of raw power. You never forget your first time holding a gun.

Jack

Well said, buddy. You never do. G-Got anything to do today?

Mister X

Nah, just wasting time. How about you.

Jack

Well, I am writing the "Great American Novel", but it's slow sometimes. The writing process is slow.

Mister X

I know what you mean. Writing can be a pain in the butt sometimes. I'm not a natural writer like you. You have more luck with it than I tend to. It's parta why I like you so much. I still want you to autograph my art book I have over in New Jersey.

Jack

I'd be happy to. ANYTHING for a FAN!

(both laugh)

Fans. Huh-huh-huh

(continual laughter)

Mister X

(Sarcastically)

What's gotten into you all of a sudden anyway? Signing a book for a fan. Taking time out of your day to talk to lifelong friends. "What is WRONG with you Jack!! TMZ is right. Yer, like, a total NERD. Like, TOTALLY!".

JACK

Ho yew. You and your silly GUN. Now you're starting to sound like my parents. Scary right? You just always say the Darndest Things! Glad to see you haven't changed, me amigo.

 

Mister X

You know what. You haven't changed all that much either, Jack. You're one of the few people I DON'T WANT to shoot. And I'm a gangster. I'd shoot just about everybody and everything that moves like any good gangster, if I could. I gotta long list.

JACK

Oh I know you do. Nothing wrong with being angry and violent, and wanting to KILL THE WORLD. It's great stress relief. It truly is.

Mister X

I don't see why not. I LOVE the Healing Power of Anger

JACK

Me too. Gotta love that shit. S-Say, did you hear that new Beastie Boys Album. The one they made with Adam Yauch before he died?

Mister X

To the 5 Burroughs??

JACK

Put Dat SHIT Back On Dah Shelf! I dish MAGIC like a MA-GICH-UN! Check Che-Check Check Ah Check It Out!

Mister X

Wha-What WHAT WHAT's IT ALL ABOUT

Jack

Let's turn this mothafuckin PARTY OUT!!!

MISTER X

Fuckin' A. Awesome.

JACK

Damn straight! Fuckin MASTAPIECE! Masterful lyricism. Fuckin can't get enough of it. Almost as good as killin people. ALMOST.

Mister X

(laughs)

Almost.

Jack

ALL-MOST. Say you-you wanna get something to eat somewhere.

Mister X

You know, I was thinking the same thing. I am gettin pretty freaking hungry.

JACK

Let's go to Big Burger. Let's get some lunch.

Mister X

Sounds good to me.

Cut to:

EXT. Local Library parking lot - Day

A black car pulls up into the driveway parking space at the local Philadelphia library. The building is surprisingly small. It's a new library, with a dull architectural aesthetic to it. Nothing too fancy or old fashioned.

Int. - Mister X's Car - Day

Mr. X and Jack are sitting in the front seats with fast food wrappers lying everywhere.

Mister X

(Burps)

Good meal! Here Jack, I'll throw the garbage away. I'm keeping my gun. Just in case.

JACK

Library's don't have metal detectors, do they.

Mister X

COURSE not. It's a library, not a public high school full of black kids.

JACK

(laughs)

So why are we at the library, X?

Mister X

Educmacation! Education. I've been feeling a bit, how shall I say, empty and spiritually lost lately. I think a book or two about God might lift my spirit.

The two men exit the car.

Cut To:

Int. Philadelphia Library - 2nd Floor - Day

Skip ahead in time. The library has a handful of people in it, it's not noisy at all. We see two men at a table covered in books. Almost all the books have the word "God" in the title.

JACK

Uh, look X, I'm all for finding God, but don't you think you're going a bit overboard on your research?

Mister X

What do you mean?

JACK

I mean on this table alone, you've got like 50 books about God. How you gonna find the time to read all of this.

Mister X

Oh I'll find the time. I may be a thug, but even thugs make time for God. For without God, we are All Lost.

JACK

I suppose so. I'm more of a philosophy man myself.

Mister X

Like Nietzsche, Kant, Sartre, Schopenhauer, Hegel, Heidegger, and the like.

JACK

Yup.

Mister X

You an atheist?

JACK

Used to be. Not so much lately.

MISTER X

Hey brother, that's okay. We all believe what we believe. People have a right to believe what they believe....Okay, I've done MY homework. Let's get going.

JACK

I was hoping you'd say that.

Cut to

Ext. Library Parking Lot - Day

We see the black car leaving the lot, off on its merry way, and back on the road as it drives away. The car goes into a driving montage as it rolls down the highways and expressways of Downtown Philadelphia, just cruising.

Int. Cruising Car - Evening

Mister X

Know what time it is, Jack?

JACK

What?

Mister X

Bounty Huntin' Time. Time to catch a criminal.

Mister X then switches on the Police RF scanner he ordered from the internet and had installed in his dashboard.

[POLICE RADIO]

All subjects, be on alert, we have a 421 situation happening at Bremmen Avenue Motel. Suspect has already killed two people with a gun and is not looking to cooperate with authorities

JACK

You know what this means.

Mister X and Jake

Bounty Hunting Time!!!!!

Cut to

Ext. Bremmen AVENUE Motel - Afternoon

We see a man on the second floor of a two story balcony, looking quite threatening. He is covered in blood, and armed with a machine gun. A wannabe Rambo, but uglier. Police cars are parked across the lot. SWAT Helicopters are hovering overhead. He begins firing at police with his submachine gun.

Gunman

Yeah YA LIKE THAT DO YA!!!!! YOU WANT A PIECE AH THIS!!! I'll KILL ALL of YOU BASTARDS!!!!

A car sneaks up on the scene, from the opposite direction of the police. The black car approaches from behind the front side of the motel. It's Jack and Mr. X. They get out of the car. They walk to the back of Mr. X's car and open the trunk, which is filled with a hidden arsenal. A stockade of shotguns, machine guns, handguns, grenades, and ammunition.

Mister X

(muttering silently)

Let's do this thing.

Cut To:

Gunman

I'm gonna kill ALL THE BITCHES UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER, you fuckin PIGS!!!! Don't test me. I'm so bad I bet you couldn't even TOUCH me. I'm gonna, I'm gonna...

A grenade lands 10 feet away, but before the gunman can do anything, the grenade ignites, sending the man flying as it explodes, destroying the left half of the motel, igniting into smoke, flame, and fumes.

Gunman

(now on floor, covered in blood)

Ah Gahd!!! NO! SHIT!!

MISTER X

(lurking across the street in shopping plaza parking lot, to Jack)

We got im'! Before the police did

The gunman turns around to look in the opposite direction, half dead, only to see Mister X has taken him by surprise, nearly annihilating him.

Gunman

Mother. Mo-ther. F-Fuck-kers. I'll. Getch. Yoo. If it's the

(vomits blood over charred body)

Last thing. I. Do.

The gunman at the motel then crawls toward the edge of the balcony. He spots Jack and Mister X, and they too know he's spotted them. He aims his submachine gun at them, and opens fire.

Mister X to Jack

Oh SHIT! He's firing back!!! Get DOWN!!!!

Jack and Mr. X duck and cover behind a corner of the building, crouching as bullets go flying in their direction. Mister X hides from  the gunman's sight for a moment as windows shatter, and bullet holes crowd the parking lot.

Mister X pauses clutching his submachine gun, then fires upon the gunman as bullets rain down on him returning fire. It's a war of bullets and shrapnel. Whoever connects with his target first will win. Mister X aims one final time, very cautiously, very carefully, and fires the winning shot, blowing the gunmans head clean off. The gunman's head explodes into a million pieces, making the Balcony Gunman drop his gun, and fall down dead, spraying the balcony with blood, as his body becomes a lifeless, headless corpse, as he then stumbles over to the balcony railing, trips, and his body falls one story down to the ground splattering the pavement.

Police Speakers

Subject is hit and down, I repeat subject is HIT AND DOWN!!!!

Swat Team Chief

GO GO GO!!! Get those civilians and clear the area!!! He's DEAD! SUBJECT IS DEAD.

Police officer

But who shot him? Was it one of us?

Before anyone can see who took out the gunman, Mister X and Jack have vanished from the back alley parking lot, almost like ninjas and are long gone. They've vanished before being noticed by the authorities.

Black car is now driving on the freeway listening to a news report about their exploits. "But who is the mystery vigilante who killed the hostile gunman?"

JACK

Awww yeah! We too a guy out and made the news. We're fuckin HEROES! I guess we're vigilantes.

MISTER X

Yup.

JACK

You did the real work though, X. You made the killshot.

MISTER X

YOU KNOW IT.

They high five eachother, and drive off into the sunset on Route 66.

Cut to:

INT. Philadelphia PD HQ - Police CHIEF's OFFICE

Police chief Martin

Dammit! WHAT. THE. FUCK!!! My men can't even take out a single spick gunman, and these YAHOO vigilantes take him out with ONE SHOT??!!! WHO THE FUCK IS this GUY. FIND HIM!!! I want his BALLS delivered in a UPS truck to my front desk, and I want it done YESTERDAY. I will NOT be made a fool of. That- That VIGILANTE made a fucking JOKE out of my men, the Philadelphia PD, out there. UNNACCEPTABLE!

Underling

But sir! All the media is in support of them. They're saying things like "God bless the Vigilante!"

POLICE CHIEF MARTIN

I don't CARE! They made a FOOL of me! I won't have it! FIND THEM!!!

(smashes coffee cup on desk and strokes his brown chubby face and brown musutache)