The MYSTERIES and AWE-INSPIRING WONDERS of 3 a.m. cable TV.

So, I’m channel surfing. Or I WAS the other day, when I saw the most incredible thing on TV. Tom Cruise actually being a nice guy. He’s such a NORMAL and NICE guy. I can’t believe how normal he looked in his new reality show. That’s what it was: A reality show, and a damn confusing one at that. I was flipping through channels, then I turned on MTV.

ME

Is that…Is that TOM CRUISE. On MTV?? What’s he doing there? I thought he was a jerk.

Tom Cruise on the TV is on the street, wandering about, walking up to random people, who don’t actually recognize him on the street

TOM CRUISE

Hi there

OLD WOMAN ON STREET

Oh hi. Who are you.

TOM CRUISE

HI! I’m Tom Cruise, and I’m here to prove what a nice normal celebrity I am, just like you, the viewers at home, or anyone else really. Would you like me to show you that?

OLD WOMAN

Of course. Oh wait, you’re not GAY are you. I hate those GAY reality TV show hosts.

TOM CRUISE

I’m sorry. What?

OLD WOMAN

I said GAY! You’re not GAY are you? I hate fags.

TOM CRUISE

FAGS!? I’ll SHOW YOU A FAG

AT which point on screen, tom takes a butcher knife from out of his pants that was resting no his  back, and stabs the old lady, repeatedly, in the chest, leaving numerous open chest wounds.

OLD WOMAN

Geeeee!!!! Why god WHYYYYY!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO DIE LIKE THIS!!! What I ever do to you god, huh, HUH!!!!

The old woman then vomits blood, and collapses face  first onto the concrete in a pool of her on blood.

CAMERA MAN / PRODUCER

You do…like. KNOW your on TV. Right TOM?

TOM CRUISE

Riiiight. TV. Yeah, TV. I’m on TV. Livin’ the dream. Look, I gotta get the heck outta here.

Tom Cruise then proceeds to run off screen, down the street. Credits roll.

I’m never watching you again MTV! Why do you fuck with people’s minds! FUCK YOU!

Man. I gotta stop watching Man Bites Dog. But I love Criterion so much!