Internet's been kind of dead lately...

Yuh-huh.

Resolution, and Creative Blockage

While I do have enormous resolve, I also have one of the worst cases of creative block in the world sometimes. Which is yet another test of my will power and resolve,  the constant pressure from society that attempts to block my creative work, which also battles with my resolve.

GOD GAVE ME THE COLOR BLACK.....

To me black is a sacred color, not a "wrong color". It's the color the Heavens wanted me to use the most.

Willpower...Perseverance...Resolution

If I only drew when I wasn't being criticized by someone, I'd have quit the game a long, long time ago. There are many that openly despise my art. That's not the reason you should draw.

The only reason I continue to draw today, and will continue to draw until I die and probably never stop, is primarily because of my (rather cocky) ego (I might add). I'm driven by ego and the power of my will. I'm driven by a need to express both my ingenuity and power, and paper is the most convenient outlet for that. What people say about me, what I do or what I produce, quite honestly, doesn't mean shit to me. I'm compelled to dynamically express myself on paper and on computer. I could care less if fans (or anyone for that matter, even family) see it. I'm driven to express myself with art, both visually designed and executed, and written. Quality is irrelevent. As long as I'm drawing SOMETHING, my purpose in life is fulfilled. An audience and fans are not a necessary means to that end. I keep drawing because on some level my ego senses I'm good and Won't Let Me stop. Productivity is the only thing or goal I REALLY desire. Satan puts plenty of obstacles in my way of doing what The Lord wants me to do: Manifest art. My will shall remain. No amount of opposition sent by The Devil shall ever change the willpower of my resolution. I'll still be working every month or week, if not every day. Go ahead, called me any and/or every character insult you can conceive. Call me anything you like. Try to hurt me all you want. I'm gonna keep drawing. You don't matter to me, you're weak and hide behind your words. And I'm going to treat you how you should be treated. Worthless compared to what I produce. Worthless compared to God's will, which is essentially my own will, so it evens out.

Does my life story make me a "martyr"? Would a lot of people give up if they had to live the life I've lived, and faced the opposition I have? Without question. I like to think of myself as quite resolute. Nothing too boastful. I'll let history debate the whole "martyr thing".

My birth Mom is actually pretty cool...

I was talking to my birth mom on the phone 20 or so minutes ago, and the subject of her art career came up. She was telling me about one of the pieces she drew that she sold to a museum for $1,000 or so.

It was a portrait of a woman, screaming in horror, to express the horror she felt, based on newsreel footage of the crowd that had gathered to see John F. Kennedy when he was shot and killed. taken the day John F. Kennedy was assassinated when she saw it in the news.

"That's really cool mom!" I told her. "Sounds interesting. What's your medium of choice?"

"Oh, you know, number 2 pencil. Nothing fancy."

"I use the same kind of materials! That's cool!"

Torn...And divided....

I'm split 50/50 about which path I should go down.

For once, the journey ahead of me is pretty clearcut. But I am aware it's difficult to have your cake and eat it too, and especially travel both these paths at the same time. I'll admit I've been very secretive about what I'm in the process of doing. I haven't exactly been very forthright talking to "myself" online.

But from the way it looks I'm going to either be a business thing licensor, or a full-time comic book creator or screenwriter. I'm able to do either one without too much difficulty, but having to choose between the two career goals. One of these careers pays, and one basically makes a lifelong dream a reality.

It's never easy having to choose which of your dreams to take the most seriously. And then there's the media, and dealing with them. The actual work is really fun, but the industry politics fucking piss me off sometimes.

On the plus side, no matter which road I travel, I DO have a future that shows a lot of promise, so that's always beneficial. Being an entrepreneur is tempting though.

Right now, I'm a part timer. But I am making a considerable effort to transition to full-time.

What kind of work would it be? Actually, I'm not really comfortable discussing work online. It never works out when and if I do. So I guess I'm just going to have to keep people in the dark I suppose. Apologies.

Well, actually, I'm not being entirely honest with my audience here. I've filled up countless spiral notebooks with business and career planning notes, and I've done stacks of sketches and writing and filled up numerous notebooks, especially for my comics goal. I've been working on my goals part time for a while now, especially comics. This is not new. I've been doing the work behind closed doors, that most don't really see. It really boils down to attaining more resources and working harder. I work hard in terms of achieving my goals, right here and now. But I aspire to work a lot harder than I already have been, in an effort to turn my part-time hobbies into full-time jobs. But the important part is, I'm already a workaholic at these hobbies now.

My brother once said "Damn, you talk about that computer like it's an actual full time job or somethin'."

Well, actually, it already "sorta" is! Excuse me for working harder than you.

Poor, poor dismissive and insane doubting brother of mine. If only I could tell about what I was actually working toward. Well, I suppose I could do that, but he'd just laugh at me...viciously derisively and called me mentally delusional ("Talking online. That's not talking to real people")!! Because working a day job is so much better, of course.

Wake up dreamer! You can't trust NOBODY.

Unfortunately, I live with a bunch of dirty commies who think you should share everything and not recieve anything of your own. Kinda sucks. For this blog report, they argued No communist comment!

[4TheInternet] or [4Yourself]?

Are you drawing pictures for people on the internet, or are you really just focusing on what YOU want to do? (the latter being way more important).

We writers and artists never used to have to ASK weirdo questions like this, before the web 2.0 and anime/manga. But now, because of the nature of the internet and anime, you pretty much HAVE TO ask weirdo questions like this. See how technology terrorizes and changes things?

Anywho, I was thinking about that very thing, and at one point, I really got swept up by my own online so-called "Audience of The Undead", and assorted college students and anime people, and before I knew it, a while back, for a while there, I was creating all my work, all of my art, and a lot of my writing just to pander to my newfound, and much beloved audience of people who thought they actually know something about me that I don't actually put out there, which they don't. At the time, I was just happy to have a mainstream audience of some sort, and some popularity. Before 2003, I was not used to having such things, because I never DID have those things. In other words, being popular (even if just online) was a new experience for me. I'm not accustomed and never have been until recently, to people being all up in my grill, speculating a million stupid fucking rumors, speculating on my wereabouts, throwing bricks at me when I'm standing outside with love notes tied to them (okay, that last problem didn't happen, but now that I've actually written it!...) But I digress. It's a bad idea to pander to your own audience, no matter how small or big. At one point I became way too caught up in the people actually paying attention to me, that I forgot to factor in what I really want to draw or write.

Lately, I've been absent from the internet online for the most part from my usual hangouts online for a very good reason, at least in my opinion: I've gone back into my pre-internet-existence mindset, where I ask, first and formost, "What entertains me? What do I like? What kind of stuff do I want to actually see?" Instead of "What does my audience want?" If you pander to your online audience, you're probably no better than a lame-o TV channel polling its readers with surveys and focus groups, in an effort to "give the people" what they want, even when it's stupid and watered down.

With the internet also arrived a new, needier, instant-gratification-worshipping younger generation of artists and writers, some very talented, with one fatal flaw: They only care about how some guy (i.e. me, you, or anyone else of course) will react to it online. Can't say I entirely blame them. While indie comics and literature set a good example of publishing auteur motivs, Hollywood sets and incredibly irresponsible and bad example to today's artist kids, with its "perception is everything" motto and philosophy. Hollywood only cares how things look on the surface, even when it's an illusion, so not surprisly, international anime Hollywood Jr. follows the same mindset. Not the deepest philosophy, but you'd be surprised how influential some of the famous superstars that live by this code are.

Well, no more of that shit!

I draw comics and art for myself. Just because you have a scanner and are you does not mean you should bomb DeviantART or any other website with everything you've ever created. That can really fuck up your mind, actually. Next thing you know, you're emo. Or worse yet a scene kid porn star. And nobody wants that.